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| Image courtesy of John Holden |
Let’s be honest with ourselves. Romance is rubbish and love is nothing but a letdown. We are born alone and we die alone. Most of our lives are spent with our inner most thoughts insulated from the people around us, although I’m not too sure if ghosts can hear our thoughts.
Cinderella never got to the
ball and there was no fairy god mother and there was definitely no glass slipper.
Seriously, a glass slipper? What is with that? Obviously designed by a man who
never had to wear high heels and therefore does not know the excruciating pain
that can come from a shoe made of soft and delicate and expensive satin, let
alone glass. A sick fantasy by a sick man I recon.
There is no glass slipper, no
ball, there is no romance. Just like I tried to tell you.
Yet we all yearn for a mate, possibly
driven by some unspoken need to live in misery. Why wash clothes for one when
you can do it for two? Why spend Friday nights in your pajamas getting
deliciously fat eating ice-cream and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer re-runs
when you could be watching your mate throw up after one too many stubbies[BB1] ?
But if you insist romance is
still alive and kicking and you really do yearn for a mate and I can never
convince you that life is better lived alone, let’s talk about a new and
exciting…wait…an ancient and smelly way to choose a mate. There is no romance
in what I am about to tell you because I simply have to prove that romance is
indeed rubbish. That’s how this writer feels this week anyway.
So, ancient and smelly. It
has become a relatively well known fact that humans are more like animals than
we care to admit. Furthermore, it has become widely accepted that we
subconsciously choose our mates through our sense of smell. In a non-boring,
non-detailed and non-scientific nutshell, if you like the way someone smells,
they are a good mate for you. Apparently they smell good because their immune
system and genetic coding compliments your own and that’s good for breeding and
a good breeding mate means they smell good. Suffer from allergies that render
you next to useless every spring time? It is guaranteed that all the potential
mates who smell intoxicatingly good to you will not suffer from spring time allergies.
All the glass slippers and
balls in the world cannot influence our choice in mate if we don’t like how
they smell. It works both ways, men have to like the way a woman smells before
they feel the need to choose them as their mate.
So, can expensive perfumes
help us in our quest to attract mates? Can they make us smell better to potential
mates?
Marilyn Monroe was the
sexiest woman of her time. She was famously quoted as saying she wore nothing
but Channel #5 to bed and this sex siren bagged a president. So it looks like
expensive perfume can make us more alluring to even the most unapproachable men
of society. As long as you are not too fussy about landing in a body bag in
your late 30s after dying in suspicious circumstances. After all, we are
talking about how to attract a mate, not keep one and stay alive.
For those of us who are up to
date on the trending fashions of the modern dating world, we unequivocally know
that speed dating is so 1998. Today, it’s all about smell dating. Yes, it’s a
thing.
Men of all walks of life wear
identical white t-shirts for 24 hours, the t-shirts then go into a zip lock bag
and woman sniff the shirts until they find a smell they like. Simple, easy and
Neanderthal. No time wasted on candles, Barry Manilow and lubrication. Straight
to the smelly point.
For the small percentage of
people who are born with Ansomia (meaning they can’t smell most things), it
looks like you have no hope to find a mate that is your genetic opposite and therefore
perfect for breeding. Your love life is over, possibly before it began. Maybe
you could look into a life dedicated to religion. Any religion will do.
Dedicate your life to P.G. porn and a god of your choosing and try to be happy
with only God or Buddha or whomever as your spiritual mate.
For the rest of you who
really want to wear the glass slipper and go to the ball, get sniffing. Just
make sure that unless you are officially signed up for a smell dating evening try
to sniff men in a way that does make you look crazy. Keep your nose clean and
your mind open.
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