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| Image courtesy of Thorarinn Stefansson |
Most people, if not all, who
inhabit our planet have come across them and not liked the experience. In any
way. At any time. Whether it be in real life, late at night on the kitchen
floor, or in the deep recesses of your sleeping mind – the place reserved for
the scariest of scary nightmares - all Aussies have seen them and immediately
wished they could wash their eyeballs to rid themselves of the horror they just
witnessed. Or, wash their bodies in acid because that would be more soothing
than seeing something that has eight legs scurrying in a most evil way across
your view point.
And nothing is more terrifying
than those eight legged bastards we call spiders. Not serial killers, not
clowns, not even – and I don’t make this comment in a nonchalant way – not even
sharks. Every normal human being
hates them and refuses to hear the apparent use they have within the ecosystem.
Stuff the ecosystem. I can tell you their use, it’s to jump out at you when you
least expect it, or when you do expect it, it’s mind numbingly petrifying
either way, and then they try to eat you whole. That is their one and only
reason for existence. It’s a conspiracy that people think spiders are helpful
because they eat flies. I have never seen a spider eat one, have you? (If you
have you are more of a victim of this cleverly plotted conspiracy than I
originally thought and there is no help for you.)
All spiders need to be killed
and be killed dead but killing them is not an easy feat. It can be such an
ordeal that you may think it is better to die yourself than spend another
moment trying to kill something that is way too agile for its own good.
Killing a spider whilst the
only male in the house is peacefully slumbering in the bed, all wrapped up and cozy
in the Egyptian cotton sheets and happy and oblivious to the terror that is
happening in the very next room, is an amazing feet when taken upon without
said man doing the killing. Yes, the idea of tackling a spider is a sexist
undertaking as it is one of the few tasks, perhaps the only task that a man
should do, not a woman. I wish to protect my fellow sisters in this form of
horrific warfare. We should be sheltered from these hell dwelling antagonists.
Let the men folk handle them whilst we get on with more important tasks like
organising world peace, or much harder, getting the baby to sleep for more than
45 minutes. At least the male orientated
role of spider killing lends credence to their argument for their species still
being relevant. With woman mowing lawns and wearing steel cap boots with style,
men are of course worried they no longer have a need in modern society. Spiders
prove that men are still needed. As long as spiders still exist, so too shall
men.
Come to think of it, this is a
problem. We need men to kill spiders. Therefore men exist because spiders do.
Therefore, men may be less inclined to kill spiders because if they succeed
they are no longer required to be a part of this human experience. Best not to
let them know they are needed. Best to pretend we would like to use the spider
killing opportunity as a chance to see their muscles. Men like that sort of
stuff,
Being in the same room as the creepy crawly
bastards is feat number one. If you can remain in the same room, you may just
have a chance of killing it and saving yourself, or at least reversing some of
the fear back onto the useless creature. Let them feel what it feels like to
have your life flash before your eyes and all you see is cup of coffee, cup of
coffee, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, more coffee and your dog. Remaining in the
same room is very hard and takes more self-control than is fair to ask of
someone. It is, however, a lot easier of the spider is anywhere near the only
exit of the room.
If you took your eyes off the
spider, then a safe and effective killing should consist of throwing shoes in
the general direction the spider was last seen heading. It doesn’t matter what
type of shoe or who owns it, or how many you have to throw, it’s a free for all
in these circumstances. I usually find screaming hysterically really helps calm
the nerves, ironically enough. It also
helps with the accuracy of the aim. Please note, booties and shoes made of
feathers are not ideal weapons. (If you own shoes made of feathers you are just
a weirdo and probably like spiders anyway so this blog is not relevant to you.)
Now these creatures can move
fast. They appear from nowhere and vanish just as fast and if you don’t see
exactly where they went, you are in some serious trouble. So always be on the
ready, on high alert and limbering up is an absolute must. Enjoying a cup of
strong coffee on the comfy couch? Be ready because the serenity you feel could
be destroyed at any moment. At any moment, one nanosecond further in time, life
as you were just experiencing it will be over, replaced with a non-shakable
need to kill and kill fast or die and die fast.
You must not only limber up
before attempting the kill, it is also recommended that you remain limbered up
at all times because at one point you are seated on your rotund butt (of which
toning up is on your list of things to do) enjoying your coffee and the next thing
you know you have glimpsed the devil creature and suddenly you are perched
precariously on top of the couch.. Often exactly how you got from the comfy
seat to the back of the couch in one gravity defying leap is a mystery. Hence,
if you stay limbered up at least your muscles won’t be sore from all the
leaping.
The same goes for your shoe
throwing arm. Those muscles will also get a workout, there’s no doubt about it.
Especially if you own a lot of shoes and you have terrible aim.
Never ever take your eyes off
your eight legged foe. Reach for shoes with one arm, one eye, one finger,
whatever it takes, do not look away from the soul consuming demon that is
attempting to cohabitate your home. They move like a rocket and their entire
reason for existence is to kill you so you must kill them first. It’s kill or
be killed.
In the event that shoe
throwing is not successful, you should play ‘Warcraft’ as much as you can. Get
used to using a gun and get used to living in a world of war. Watch every
episode of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ to draw strength from and remain inspired
to fight your demons. If all else fails, join the army. This should get you the
skills you need. And don’t be afraid to master the bazooka. This was the Mona
Lisa’s choice of weapon, the included picture is unquestionable proof of this. These
weapons are underrated when it comes to arachnid annihilation. The only downside
to using the bazooka is the ensuing mess and mayhem may be a tad bit difficult
to explain to the now wide awake man of the house.
Spiders are horrible. They
make people scream in really high tones. They have no real use and they have no
right to live in our homes, especially when they don’t contribute by paying the
rates or weeding the garden. So just remember; it’s them or you so if you have
to explain the gaping hole in the living room, you have done your part and you
have lived to tell your tail. You are a survivor and no builders’ fee can take
that away from you.
One spider down, several billion
to go.
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