10 Things I learnt from having a baby and only 2 are related to Buffy.

This is not my child but it encapsulates reality with a child very well. Image courtesy of Andreas Bauer

 

Read this before attempting to have children. It may save your life, or the lives of those around you. Good luck. And remember, dogs are easier.

·         You will find yourself wishing that Buffy had children just so you can ask “what would Buffy do?” and it would still be a relevant question. Otherwise the answer is ‘kill the demons, save the world’. Not great since your children are the demons.

·         Having a baby changes you. Seems obvious but the way it changes you is subtle and creeps up on you like a shark at dawn. I know this because I used to be ‘team Angel’ but I think I may be ‘team Spike’ now. I’m not too sure. It’s hard to explain to non-Buffy people but this is a potentially profound change that would shatter my entire existence as I know it. Currently I’m trying not to think about it to much as I have a lot on my mental plate. Like, oh god, do we have another tube of toothpaste? This tube is definitely empty. I know I have been saying that for a week but I really mean it this time. And, who the hell did Negan kill on Season 6 of the Walking Dead? I think its Glen but I am going to be so mad if it is. Mad as in writing angry letters mad. If that doesn’t keep a woman up at night, I don’t know what does.

·         I leant it is possible for a human to survive on less than 10 hours sleep a night. For many, many, many nights in a row. I wish I had not learnt this. The long term damage of this accidental discovery is yet to be determined but so far it’s not looking good. Seriously, how can 2 people use so much toothpaste!  I bought a lot at the last shopping venture, 6 months ago. It was supposed to last a life time. That’s it, no more teeth brushing.

·         Long, hot, uninterrupted showers are not needed to be a semi-functioning member of society. Smelling good is also not needed to be a semi-functioning member of society. Neither is being able to be a semi-functioning member of society.

·         Boobs can be used for more than bedroom calisthenics. They don’t have to be but the option is there.

·         Coffee can be drunk cold and not is a peaceful place usually reserved for internal reflection. There is no proof that this will not kill you.

·         When you give your daughter a boys’ name and dress her in gender neutral clothes, people will assume she is a boy. And that’s ok.  It is also ok not to correct them.

·         People actually like babies. And they give the baby lots of presents, which is the same as giving you lots of presents. A big bonus right there.

·         Time has no meaning. Sometimes the sun is up, sometimes it is not. That is all you need to know and that is all you will know.

·         Puke is the new fashion accessory. Wear it with style but not pride.

Nothing can be written about having a child that has not already been written. The irony is that you cannot read anything that will prepare you for having children.