How coffee can change the world

 

Coffee is the second largest legally traded commodity on the face of the planet. After oil. I think the world would be a better place if there was more coffee than oil being traded.

We all know the problems oil has caused to probably every human being alive today. (And a lot who are dead too). The world would be a lot better if coffee was to surpass oil as the biggest traded commodity and I want the world to be a better place.
If we lived in a world were coffee was bigger than oil, there would be a lot more people strung out on the effects of caffeine. This is a good thing, think about it. Productivity would be through the roof and family time would be more common as people sleep less and do everything faster and better.  Robots would not have to be invented because people will be awake for twenty hours a day and get a lot more accomplished.   

Coffee grinds are great for growing roses so the world could look better and smell a lot better too. Women might get more bunches of roses from men so there would be more romance and a lot less men in trouble for not caring enough. Rose gardens could replace oil rigs so there would be less ugly constructions in the world and people in movies that work on oil rigs in the middle of the ocean that seem to always be on fire, would not die in these fires.
Oil leaks would be a thing of the past. The Gulf of Mexico would be pretty again, wild life would not die and Obama would never be in trouble for not fixing the leak. He could spend his time stopping to smell all the roses that his country is growing from rose gardens, which they would grow from invading other countries for their coffee grinds. 

The Middle East would get a break from being invaded.  Their climate is no good for growing coffee beans and the coffee they make is rubbish anyway so no one would be tempted to invade them.  Although looking at their history the poor bastards just keep getting invaded anyway so let’s be realistic here. 

Coffee tastes better than oil.  It smells better and looks fancier when served in fine bone china cups with little flowers on them.  Although it is possible to buy coffee that tastes like crude oil which makes me wonder if people do serve oil in cups and call it coffee.  If you don't believe me, go to Japan for a coffee. It's definitely crude oil. The liquid even dissolves the spoon you use to stir the coffee/oil. 
The world would be in a better socio-economic place if oil was in less demand and coffee was in more demand.  Farmers in Central America who currently get 2 cents from every cup of coffee sold might get 4 cents.  Actually, they would probably get even less as big corporations would move in and form unions that didn't work and then the land would be bought out and make the farmers work for 0.5 cents per cup of coffee.  But this is about the bright side of coffee vs oil, not the dark side.  

Even those weird people who drink decaf would have to start drinking real coffee as the world would be spinning too fast for them and they couldn't keep up.  hey would probably lose their jobs, spend far too much time sleeping and relaxing and then they would be persecuted, like the witches of Salem. Burnt at the stake for ruining the world, whether it's their fault or not.  Decaf coffee might even have to go underground like illegal drugs and sold in the back alleys of Kings Cross. They could drink it out of bongs and start a black market movement called 'sloths unite' or something to that effect. 
So, I think we can all see the benefits of living in a world where coffee is grown, traded and sold more than oil. Robots would remain in Science Fiction novels and never take over the world because of their increasing self-awareness.  The back alleys of The Cross would be busy again and another series of Underbelly could be made. Everything would smell better, look better, go a lot faster and no one would invade the Middle East.   Women would be given more flowers, okay, that will probably never happen but it's a lovely thought.  A world with more coffee and less oil sounds like Utopia to me. 

Political apathy on the rise but no-one cares

I know, I know, elections and anything government related is boring. We are all sick to death of anything to do with politics. Sick of big promises made by little men and women. All elections are the same, the candidates never improve or change, why should we bother to care?

 Is it not enough that we have to give up our Saturday to number a comically large piece of paper, possibly half an acre long, then stick it in a small box only to walk away wondering why we bother?

I’m not going to get on my soap box to lecture you about politics and why we should all take an interest and take it seriously. Mostly because due to the collapse in infrastructure, there are no soap boxes available. I looked for a flat pack through cheap overseas labor but the phone dropped out, possibly due to the terrible mobile phone reception we have here in regional areas. Which is where I was when I attempted to make the call. I do realise that elections are an important part of our democratic society and that we should be thankful for them, but it's all so boring.

Regardless of all this, politics is everywhere, in shades of white or beige. It occurs between ordinary citizens and is not just reserved for the politician at election time. As soon as you have more than a solitary human in a room, you have politics. Even if you have a split personality or two voices in your head, you have politics. Politics is about human affairs, and as far as we all know about each other we are all human, participating or attempting to, in the human experience.  PS. As tempting as it is not to care about politics and not vote, or complain about having to vote, or draw a dick on your ballot paper because you are 'cool', remember the government DOES affect you. It affects every part of every day of your life. It affects the ground you walk on, the roof you live under, the food you eat and the job you work in.

We could live in a country where we don't get a say, don't get to decide what we do or don't support, or weigh up the good and the bad and have our opinion counted and therefore don't ever have to vote! But if that was the case, we would likely also live a life in poverty, ill health and fear under a dictatorship we can do nothing about. 

Politics is a partnership between the individual and the community and part of the human condition is that we keep fighting no matter how pointless our battle seems. Drink more coffee, it should help. This should be applied to politics. With apathy churning around us any time politics is mentioned, we should still fight, we should still care. We have to.

Politics exists between all people. So why are we, as a society, so apathetic towards it? The answer is your own and for your own reasons. Just consider if the good outweighs the bad for what YOU consider being important and don’t be ignorant or the bad.  

It can be tempting to be apathetic about politics even though the government does affect you. It affects the job you have, the food you eat and the ground you walk on. We could live in a country where we don’t get a say or a vote, where apathy is encouraged. Think of Aung San Suu Kyi. If this was the case we would probably live in poverty, ill health and dictatorship, surrounded by ghastly tea drinkers.

As boring as it is, our freedom to vote is a privilege. Perhaps if more people were less apathetic, we could have a strong government that could change our world. Wouldn’t that be great?

Using a dog to find puppy love [column]

Image courtesy of Rasto Belan

Compared to the unending woes that often accompany being a woman, most men have it easy. They are the lucky creatures. When men have a head cold, they get to call it the flu and get more attention. Their clothes are cheaper even though they have extra rows of stitching. They don’t have to wear g-strings.

Men are also luckier when it comes to dating. Australia is in the midst of a man drought and there are currently 100 000 more woman than men. All you men need to do to enter the world of dating is give a quick flex of the muscles and compliment a woman on her shoes.

Despite the many advantages men have over their female counterparts in the world of dating, sometimes we all need a little help. Just because there are a lot more women does not mean that they can be easy to find, lure and bait.

So here is a hot tip if you find yourself in need of a little help. All you need is a good pair of walking shoes (Note, crocs do not count. There is never ever a time in your life when crocs are acceptable), a non-scary looking dog and your best smile. Chicks love small animals that are cute and adorable, especially puppies. In fact, mostly puppies and these adorable little four legged creatures can be a wonderful way to strike up conversations with women.

It all boils down to the fact that women were once designed to have children and only have children. Now they have a whole list of other things we can choose to do with our life instead, we no longer feel the need to live our lives bearing children. Yet, it is still in our DNA to be clucky and in this day and age it is more socially acceptable and indeed more fun, to be clucky towards puppies than it is babies. Plus puppies are just way cuter - Why do all babies look like potatoes may I ask?

If you can borrow a puppy, then put on your manliest deodorant and start pounding the pavement.  Be gracious as hordes of woman stop to pat your puppy (or the puppy of someone else. But who cares who owns it, I’m pretty sure the devil is not in the details) and take the opportunity to strike up a conversation. Please try not to be distracted by the show of boobies belonging to the bended women but I get that men are men and sometimes you can’t help it. Just try not to get caught looking, for the love of god. 

The art of conversation is something that you don’t need to have mastered. Remember you have a cute and adorable puppy. If you get stuck for things to talk to the woman about, remember, you have a puppy. Make the little blighter work for his free afternoon outing. Cute does not equal free stuff in the canine world and the puppy needs to learn this sooner in life rather than later so really you are doing it a favour.

So where to walk your borrowed ball of woman attractor? Beaches, lakes and parks are going to be your best bet. The women found in these areas love the outdoors and that is usually linked to a love of animals. Also strips of cafes and restaurants are a good choice. There is bound to be a plethora of woman here so take advantage of it.

On the other hand, pacing outside gyms makes you look a little odd and most pubs are not dog friendly and not really the first choice for self-respecting women to congregate. Keep it simple and go where the women go.

The other thing to keep in mind if you cannot obtain a puppy is that the type of animal you choose to harness up for a walk is something to consider carefully. Whilst ferrets look like harmless fur balls of fun, rub them the wrong way and you’ll discover that they have the soul of a rabid Pitbull.

Crocodiles are another no no. I’m not sure if it’s even legal to take one for a walk but if you did, you would most likely attract the curiosity of small children and the local police more than you would any potential dating partner.

Trust me, cats do not do well on walks either. The stubborn little loveless blighters tend to collapse and fake their own death rather than be taken for a walk and unless you are trying to look like a fool, do not walk a cat in public.

So really it only leaves us with puppies. The babies of our best friends are your best bet to find some real puppy love.